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I Want To Be A Dog



When a smiling dog walks into a room full of people

it's like Britney Spears just walked into a High School sausage fest:

everyone pretends to know the dog

they turn and start whistling and clapping for the dog to come over to them

and when it does, they run their fingers through its hair,

let it lick their faces,

scratch it in all the right places…


Damn, I want to be a dog!


Sure, dogs are simpleminded creatures

(they don't even know the difference between Beggin' StripsTM and real bacon)


but their simplemindedness is a boon

humans do all the work

while they just lay around in the sunbeam all day

like that baby Trixie in the comics,

and we feed them and love them and groom them

and act as if they're actually contributing something,

but really they're just mute hairy infants

2 year olds who grow up to be 3 year olds

(watchdogs? pishah-

I'd like to see a watchdog that wouldn't let me pass for a nice juicy steak.)

(or some bacon)


The only things dogs freak out about are bad weather, explosives,

and intruders without steak,

and those are really the only things we should be freaking out about anyways.


When dogs have a conflict they just fight it out, teeth and claws

there're no knives in the back 'cause they got no thumbs,

so in the end it usually just comes down to the bigger dog.

(and I don't see how that is any worse than the human way

of the richest dog always winning in court)


There's nothing to fight about though:

dogs all share the same religion,

they worship the moon...


which is up there, clearly shining in the nighttime sky,

so there's no questioning it.

Is there a moon?


(howl at it)


Is there a God?


Dogs only play one game


(what do you want to play?


That game's over, what should we play now?

how about, fetch!)


The whole world is their bathroom

and they don't bother to wear clothes.

but they don't get cold,

because they're covered with hair,

and being naked and covered with hair doesn't weird them out,

because they're animals

and animals are supposed to be hairy and naked.


Since they're naked all the time.

and examine each other's genitalia every chance they get,

they have no worries about STDs,

(it's pretty obvious who has the stank junk when your sense of smell is 5000 times that of a human)

and there's no beating around the bush when it comes to sex-

if a boy dog likes a girl dog

he just tries to mount,

and if she likes him back,

she lets him,

and if she doesn't,

she runs off!


What could be simpler?


And best of all,

after the girl dog runs off

and the boy dog is sitting there dejected and thinking about her

he can actually lick his own balls.

(as a consolation prize)


and I can't think of anything else I'd rather do than that.



Copyright © 2004, Danny Strack


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