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How the Moon Lost Its Cheese


The Earth's moon is not made out of cheese...



But millions of years ago,

a meteoroid made mostly of monterey jack, muenster, and mozzarella,

(and covered with red wax,)

smashed into the moon's surface,

blanketing it thicker than any Chicago deep dish could wish,

and if I was alive back then,

it would have been delicious.


But I wasn't.

In fact,

the only animals around to eat were these intelligent alien army ants.


Who had an awesome time!

They threw an amazing feast in the sea of tranquility,

with every hors d'œuvres one might ask for,

as long as one wanted white cheese.


The drones and queens mated in mass numbers,

and multiplied across the land,

living not in tunnels like Earth ants,

but in igloos they made from the red wax...


and they continued spreading

until the whole planetoid was more spotted with little red igloos,

than the most unfortunate adolescent in any Noxzema commercial.


Everything was going great,

but the ant scientists saw a problem.


Their sonic spectrometers said that the cheese was rapidly thinning,

and they didn't see any way of obtaining any more.

So they went before their queen,

and said,


our world is not naturally covered with cheese.

An inch down there is nothing but dust.

We must seize this opportunity to search for alternate sources of food,

so that our children will be able to eat."


And the queen's eighty eyes glazed over as she pleasured herself with a drone,

then ate him.


And the ant scientists stuttered and went on,

"We estimate that there are only 9 hundred trillion cubic inches of cheese left,

considering that each of us eats 1 cubic inch of cheese a day,

and that there are about 9 trillion ants living on Luna,

we only have about 100 days left,

before we run out."


And the ant queen replied,

"Don't be ridiculous kids,

every ant knows that the Council of Stars created the moon out of cheese and red wax,

to appease our giant swirling blue and white God in the sky!

There's no need to conserve,

we've got cheese for a thousand lifetimes,

we've got cheese all the way to the core."


And the ant scientists tried to argue,

so she ate them too.


And when there was finally no denying the evidence,

it was because it was too late,

there was not enough cheese left to go around.


And when they had licked the rock clean of every last little bit,

they ate each other,

until every single alien army ant was dead.


And that,

is why the moon,

is no longer covered with cheese.



(c) Copyright 2006, Daniel Strack

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