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The Definition of Failure


Dear First Lady, Laura Bush,


I am writing to commend you for your tireless humanitarian work around the world.


Your strong, lifelong support for teachers,

and your ongoing efforts promoting literacy,

are truly inspiring. 


Now I ain’t one of them naysayers when it comes to your husband,


He’s just gotten a bad rap.


I’m willing to overlook little things like

the Patriot Act, war in Iraq,

and Afghanistan, and Iran,

and FEMA, Katrina, etc.


That shit ain’t George’s fault at all!


He’s just an old man, a dried up hophead-

like Tommy Chong-

I think he’s funny.


He just has frequent intelligence failures,

he’s little slow.


And that’s actually why I’m writing to you,

Laura Bush,

I figure, you’re big into literacy,

and your husband seems to have a real problem with readin’.


So I thought,

maybe you could redirect some of your education efforts a little closer to home-

help your husband out with some of them big words!


Here, I’ll get George started with a vocabulary list:


1. “Water-boarding”

Now, that’s where they tie you to a teeter-totter

and dip your end into the water so you almost drown.

Hey, ain’t that how they used to torture “witches”-

to find out if they was really “witches”?

Up in Massachusetts!?!

I don’t care if it’s torture or not!

Our country should not have anything to do with Massachusetts!


2. “Contractors”

A contractor is an independent skilled laborer

who provides a service for a fixed period of time at a pre-determined wage.

There are contractors in Iraq,

they do construction and tech support,

I am a contractor for a small business here in Austin.

But I figure, if you’re fighting for pay in Iraq and aren’t affiliated with a national army-

that’s actually the definition of a “mercenary”.


I think that’s enough for now.

It’s only two words, but we don’t want to get carried away-

I know George is easily confused.


Maybe next week we can tackle “habeas corpus”.


In closing,

I realize your husband has just over a year left as president,

so it’s probably too late for him to learn any of the finer points of US law,

but if you start tutoring him now,

at the very least,

this cheat sheet might come in handy at an impeachment

or war crimes trial.



Danny Strack


(c) Copyright 2008, Daniel Strack

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