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The Smallest Marsupials of All


Hidden deep in the Australian outback,

lies The Secret Valley of Koalas.


In this undiscovered oasis of eucalyptus,

thousands of Koala Bears lounge around all day,

tripping on the psychedelic leaves…


and whatever you may say about seals and kittens,

Koala Bears are the cutest animals on Earth!


However, this was not always true,


until recently, there was one breed that had them beat

you see:


Hidden deep within The Secret Valley of Koalas

lay The Enchanted Field of Koala Gnomes


and Koala Gnomes were the cutest animals of all


They were 1 ˝ inches tall

and they wore funny little vests and pointy hats of autumn colors.


They looked like tiny koala bears

but they were smart like humans;

and they spoke English

with high pitched British accents

(which sounded more like Terry Gillian from Monty Python
imitating a woman than anything else)

They would say:


I'm pleased to make your acquaintance."


Yes, Koala Gnomes were almost always pleased about everything,

they sang gay songs and danced in circles.


Koala Gnomes had been known to grow as old as a thousand;

but both male and female Gnomes

lost their Fertility around the age of 500,

at which time they became an adult,

and were endowed with the knowledge of Koala Gnome Magic.


At least, that's how things used to be,

but tragically,

The Koala Gnomes are no more,

you see:


Adjacent to the idyllic Enchanted Field in which they lived,

lay The Haunted Forest of Horror,

which emitted Mysterious Gypsy Music that the Gnomes could hardly resist,

yet The Forest remained dark even on the brightest day of summer,

and young Gnomes who ventured in never came out,

so they feared The Forest and stayed away.


However, the ancient ones knew better;

they developed a Magic Light of Protection,

which scared The Forest Horrors away

so they could enter The Forest

and dance to The Gypsy Music

unscathed by The Snakes and Spiders

who played the music to lure the delicious gnomes into their fangs.


 So for many years,

Adult Gnomes had been going into the forest,

and the Young Gnomes had seen them,

and they wanted to dance to the Gypsy Music too!


But they didn't know about The Magic Light!


And the ancient ones refused to tell them!


All they would say about The Forest was that it was EVIL,

and to stay away!!!


And so one night many years ago, as the Adults were dreaming,

the Young Gnomes all gathered in the field

and ventured together into The Haunted Forest,

only to be gobbled up by The Horrors that resided there.


The next morning, all the fertile gnomes were dead,

and faced with the extinction of their entire species,

the Ancient Gnomes cried to the heavens,

"What fools we were!

If only we told the children about The Light of Protection!

We should have known they would never be able to resist The Mysterious Music!"


When the last ancient Koala Gnome died this year,

Koala Bears

were officially crowned the cutest animal on the planet.


And that

is why it is ridiculous

to promote "abstinence only" sex education

in American Public schools.



(c) Copyright 2004, Daniel Strack


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