Make your own free website on Tripod.com

home / writing main / slam poems main / last poem / next poem

 

Worst Video Game Ever

If my life was a video game

it would suck,

 

Worst... Video Game... Ever.

 

I wouldn't play,

it's too frustrating,

I never seem to get anywhere.

 

Every morning it takes 8 hours to load,

and then there's this driving simulation,

which has really great graphics and a lot of potential,

except it isn't a race,

it's the same damn track every day!

and every single time I weave madly through traffic and drive as fast as I can,

the cops take my gold instead of rewarding me with more.

 

Plus,

whoever created this interface doesn't know the first thing about game design:

there's no status information on my screen whatsoever!

no health meter,

I have to estimate my power levels as I go!

 

I can't get an accurate reading of how much gold I have,

or a complete inventory of my items,

and there's no map or radar showing my position.

 

I just have to guess about all this stuff,

I'm always getting lost or running out of money,

or forgetting the silver keys I need to unlock my car,

and when stuff like this happens there's no pause button

so I can get it together and grab some chips and guacamole,

no resuming from a saved game,

no saving at all,

I only get one life,

with no continues,

no matter how many green-polka-dot mushrooms I eat!

 

So I've never respawned,

and my frag count is zero-

you know what a frag is, right?  a kill. 

there's no killing.

 

Practically no blood at all,

and I love blood!

I love fragging demons and aliens with a BFG,

or slicing them up with MATSUME

but there are no demons, no aliens,

I don't have MATSUME or a BFG,

I don't even have a shotgun,

and I've explored,

I've opened tons of secret compartments,

I keep banging my head on ceiling tiles,

I smash every crate I find,

but still no BFG,

no new weapons or power-ups of any kind,

I'm starting to get discouraged,

I'm starting to think that there are no Big Fucking Guns in the real world...

 

but I guess that's OK...

'cause like,

I don't ACTUALLY wanna KILL anybody!

 

That's what video games are for,

so that I

don't have to.

 

So let this serve as a warning to anyone who thinks that violent video games

cause aggressive behavior:

just think about

what I

and the hundred million or so guys like me,

would do,

if we didn't have them.



  (c) Copyright 2005, Daniel Strack

home / writing main / slam poems main / last poem / next poem